I See You And I’m Sorry For the Shame You’re Feeling
I don't know your name.
I saw you at the retreat, sitting near the back of the room. If I had to guess, you were somewhere in your mid-20s. Definitely one of the youngest people there. And when it was your turn to share what you'd written on your offering card, you said something that I haven't been able to stop thinking about.
You said you felt embarrassed about your past. That you carried shame about it.
And then the retreat moved on. And I never saw you again after that first session.
I don't know if you had somewhere else to be. I don't know what your life situation was. But wherever you are - you're in my prayers. Because I know exactly what that shame feels like.
The Offering Bowl
Here's how it started. At the very beginning of the retreat, our host, Deacon Andy, gave us each three small pieces of paper.
He asked us to write down what we were bringing to God that weekend. What were we offering up? What would we ask Jesus for help with, right in that very moment, if we could?
I wrote: discernment. Being a vessel of peace. And discovering my Christ-centered identity.
Then we had the option to walk up to the front of the room and place our offerings in a bowl. We could choose to place them silently or read the cards out loud. About half the room shared. Half didn't.
I went first. I read mine out loud.
And then you did, too.
I don't remember everything you said. But I remember that. The embarrassment. The shame. And the courage it took to say it out loud in a room full of strangers.
I Was Hoping to Find You
I kept thinking about you throughout the weekend. I was hoping I'd have a chance to sit with you, even just for a few minutes.
That didn't happen.
But I've been thinking about what I would have said. And I think it starts with this:
I'm at least two decades older than you. And I still struggle with shame about my past, too.
It sucks. It hurts. And it’s hard to get past. But, the thoughts get quieter. Less in charge. And there are words that help. I’d like to offer two thoughts that came to mind when I thought about you.
The 10th Station
On the last morning of the retreat, I walked the Stations of the Cross. All 14 of them, outside in the early morning, reading the scripture and the reflection for each one.
If this experience is new to you, the Stations of the Cross is a powerful and simple way to reflect on the final moments of Jesus’ life. There are fourteen Stations of the Cross and each provides an opportunity to contemplate and experience a pivotal moment from Jesus’ final hours, including his sentencing, death, and burial.
When I got to the 10th station where Jesus was stripped of his garments, I stopped. I was using a resource that provided a scriptural reference and thoughts to contemplate.
The scripture is from John 19 (John 19:23-24). The soldiers take everything from Jesus. Even his clothes. They divide them up. They cast lots for his tunic.
They took everything.
And the reflection asked: even stripped of everything, Jesus doesn't stop. No amount of humiliation or pain stops him from fulfilling what God has asked of him.
Then it asked me a question that felt like it had your name on it. And mine:
What's stopping you right now from fulfilling what God has asked of you?
The reflection offered an answer. It said we feel afraid to bring our mess to God because we feel ashamed. And it compared that to having a rare disease with only one expert in the world who can treat it - and then refusing to see that doctor. You'd never do that. It would be lunacy.
And yet.
That's exactly what we do with God when we let shame keep us away from Him.
He is the expert. He can make peace with the mess. He can accept it, work with it, redeem it. But He needs to be invited into the equation.
What I Wish I Could Have Told You
There's a verse I keep coming back to. 2 Corinthians 5:17.
"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"(NLT).
Sometimes, as Christians, we need to know and understand the context and history of scripture before we pick verses to use. But in this case, it really is as it sounds.
Paul writes this because the death of Christ is exactly what frees us from the shame, the embarrassment. In fact, the old version of you - who you were before you were a Christian - is no longer recoverable. You’re free.
The old life is gone. Your past - the embarrassing parts, the parts you'd take back, the parts that still make you wince - that is not who you are anymore.
You're not carrying it into your future. You're carrying it to God.
And there's a difference.
I also want to say something about redemption. Because I think sometimes, from the outside, Christians talking about redemption and restoration must sound strange to people who aren’t Christians or reject Christ. Like we're flogging ourselves. Like it's all fire and brimstone when we offer our confessions.
But honestly? It's the opposite for me.
Knowing that I have a God who never runs out of second chances and that there is never a moment where restoration isn't available to me - that's not heavy. That's the most cleansing thing I know.
Jesus tells us: come back to me with all your heart. Not once. Not once a decade when you've really messed up. But always. Every moment. Every minute.
That invitation never expires.
To You, and To Anyone Who Needs to Hear This
I don't know if you'll ever stumble across this. The chances are probably slim.
But I'm writing it anyway. Because you said something brave that morning. And it deserved a response.
Your past does not define you.
Your shame does not disqualify you.
Your mess is not too big for God.
And you are not alone.
If you're reading this and you feel the same way - like if you're carrying embarrassment or shame or the weight of a past you wish looked different - this is for you, too.
You can come back to Jesus with all your heart. Right now. With everything you're carrying.
He already sees you. He already knows. And He's not going anywhere.
I see you, too.
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